Tuesday, 2 December 2014

Discovering Self Respect

What are ethics to me?
 
What we should or should not do in a relationship according to our own understanding and acceptance of personal morals and respect.
 
What are boundaries to me?
 
Using values of self and others to keep respect in place by
having clearly defined and understood limits.

*** 

Let me tell you why I decided to write this book. 

Just over 13 years ago, I left a relationship which I thought and felt was therapeutic at the time. The relationship lasted for 7 years previous - he was supposed to be my therapist, but I fell in love with him. 

I know now, the feelings I felt were transference. In other words, he was filling my life – in more than one way – with that which I felt was missing and taking what he needed too. And I suppose that was fair enough, if it was helpful and both people were getting their needs met. But, I was married, and being constantly encouraged by my husband to get even more help to make myself well again from a traumatic past!

I knew no better. I was naive and vulnerable. It was wrong - I was manipulated.

Eventually, feeling suffocated, I left both relationships and stepped out of my comfort zone to start a new life as an independent person. Then I went on to volunteer. Firstly as admin help for a women's charity, and then as a trainee counsellor for a well known mental health concern, and at a satellite of the women’s charity. Both were extremely helpful to me - I wanted to put something back into the community by giving back my time. So I learned how to do assessments, helped other women and gained lots of client experience.

During my professional training and client experience, I started to discover where this therapist had gone wrong and how he had been helping himself to me. These findings were after my own considerable personal therapy.  The more I discovered, the more I wanted to understand.

One major learning was personal and professional boundaries and ethics.

Next, and for over five years, I studied at college to get my Higher National Diploma in Counselling and I felt proud of my achievements. I also got my NVQ In Administration, this boosted my self-esteem because I had to find out how each centre worked - you know, the nuts and bolts of an organisation.

So much study and academic writing left little for creativity. Even though us students were expected to have a certain amount of personal therapy and also to write a personal journal, I wanted to keep on writing afterwards. I’d had loads of therapy, both in my younger years and as a student.

Writing was a way I discovered how to process my own thoughts and feelings. With my experience of hypnotherapy and neuro linguistic programming, I understood the value of process in therapy and how seeing something right through to the finish could produce such positive results. So I had an idea to re-write my history in an attempt to make myself well again, to forgive myself. This is why I wrote my story. I took each strong feeling I had about the past, tipped it out onto the paper and took it through a therapeutic process. It’s the best thing I have ever done.

**

I am an ordinary person who wants to share her learning's. It would make me very happy if you read my story. It would make me even happier, if I knew somewhere among my words, they help you in your life. 

J.D. Verity

Do you believe in compliments?

When a person says something nice to you, do you just listen to their words and hear them, or do you actually, really hear them, soak them up and digest them?

Many people will say something like,

'Oh thank you for your kind words,' and this is as far as their meaning or intention goes.

I remember, on one of my training days, we did an exercise. We each had a piece of paper with our name on it. We passed it around and everyone in the group secretly wrote a word to describe each person. We folded the papers up, mixed them around and placed them carefully into their own special envelope.

Then the whole group silently walked around the room for a while whilst listening to relaxy music.

Next we picked up our own envelope and sat down.

In pairs we opened our own envelope, and it was like receiving a gift. We read the comments to ourselves first, and then took it in turns to read them out loud. But, that wasn't enough, because most of us, as usual, just shrugged our shoulders and said something like, 'Oh that's nice, thank you!' - A bit of a let down when it came to believing in the true intention of the words.

Next, we each had to read out the words written about us ten times to our partner and say them as if we really believed them, with all of our heart, and with such emphasis and power, as if they were true.

As you can probably imagine, there were many tears - it felt wonderful to accept the gift, because I believed them, we all did.

Here's a picture of the original piece of paper. I still hold it close to my heart and I still value myself dearly.


I am caring
I am intelligent and smart
I am thoughtful
I am strong
I am quiet
I am gentle
I am friendly
I am soft and gentle
I am kind
I am calm
I am me

J.D. Verity.